Well hello! I’m back and i don’t really know where to start. I don’t want this to be a holiday snaps version of my life the last 5 months, but i do want to update you and reset now i have forward motion.

From May (if you’ve read it and came back, thank you) when i left my job, my life has hacked itself through to a rough diamond that was hiding under an ugly rock. I guess i knew inside what i really wanted from my life, this blog is testament to that as it shows i was searching for a connection to something deeper. There just seemed no way of finding it, my head, as it always does had ideas and projects swirling at an alarming rate but nothing ever settled or stuck long enough. This, may be ADHD, i was told by a therapist it was obvious but i didn’t want to go down the road of assessments or labels. I then discovered a word ‘multipotentialite’ and everything clicked together. The jigsaw that was my brain and world seemed to suddenly fall to the ground and every piece connected. My younger me, and actually my whole life i’ve been ridiculed and punished for having more than one idea or project on the go, but turns out theres an official name for it and i wasn’t crazy. Whatever the label it just made me feel accepted and free!

Now, that is all a simplified version to bring you up to speed, but these last 5 months have been the darkest night of the soul for me. There have been many days i just could not accept the pain i now have constantly, could not face the prospect of life at all and did just want to check out. For many years i’ve read about metaphysics, more the body/mind/spirit connection and as i was diagnosed with severe depression, i looked that up. Depression and the thoughts of suicide are actually yes, wanting to die, but not me as such. It is wanting that version of you to die, but not your deeper self. On the days i could drag myself out of my bed i’d sit outside and would think ‘this, i don’t want to leave’. Well after tonnes of therapy, courses and soul searching i began to understand the cage i was living in was self locked…it wasn’t my fault, a lifetime of trauma and crap will do that to your brain chemicals and believe me its bloody hard to change neurons that are that far sunk into a negative rut.. but i’m a work in progress as we all are…..

Like the fungi, mycelium threads, deep underground all year, then bursting forth in October, i have again emerged. The difference this year is i understand myself and my rhythms much deeper now and am hugely ok with my connection to seasons. So what else is happening???

Well, i think i’ve gone deep enough for this month, so an update on how my jigsaw picture looks now…

On my brighter days i have began to look at what i love the most about life. That has to be the natural world, primarily plants, seasons, trees, butterflies and birds. Plants have been a lifelong love for me, and maybe having a career in horticulture was a good thing, but now the road leads to a much needed junction, where i take that into reflecting and bringing nature into our gardens instead of shunning it in favour of a rigid appearance. So i have gone back into design and the Nature Garden Studio was born.

I also discovered volunteering (recommended by my therapist) and now join a local nature group working on reserves. I can’t do the physical stuff but the community is wonderful and i have an exciting project planned with them that i can do. I also joined up with Butterfly conservation and have learnt all about recording and monitoring and have been given an easy section with a wonderful lady that i can record next year. Just learning more about butterflies has been amazing this year, and its certainly been a great year for them. I saw my first small copper, Marbled white and Clouded yellow!! exciting stuff.

Lastly i’ve rediscovered my love of painting and sketching, so on our recent holiday i’ve been keeping a journal as practice. My hope (another project in the jigsaw) is to produce nature/wildlife based greeting cards and items, and that does link into the nature garden studio, its just a work in progress in time management.

So anyway thats where i’m at, feeling positive about my future whilst tackling mental health and a long term disability, Im not saying it will go easy from here, i know that not how life works. But, i have a plan and a corkboard lol so i have faith in myself that i can do this.

For now this blog will remain a personal journey one, as i merge into nature blogs for my website…i hope you will pop in from time to time, and i’ll share how each month or Season changes h0w we feel and connect.

much love