The merry month of May arrives, the land is covered with vibrant Bluebells, frothing white wild garlic, speckled with Wood Anemones, dead Nettles and Cellandines. The vibrant verdant of fresh new leaves glows in the sunlight.

Its a magical time of year, with Beltane celebrated on May 1st , but this year i just sat and watched it pass too wrapped up in my life to notice the Full moon that also joined in the party. So much for finding connection, i feel increasingly disconnected as the year progresses.

I sit, day in day out in the garden, finding myself back where i was this time last year as if the last few months have just been a dream, where i thought my life was turning around. I draw a little but find no joy, because i find myself looking for something i can do as a ‘job’ rather than enjoying the process.

These are the last photos i will be able to load from what was, i thought, my dream job. A place i gave my everything to for 4 years, disconnecting from my family, my garden, my peace, to give to someone else. Its not until it ends that you question why? I’m sure in time i will be able to look back at that time with happiness and pride for everything i created, but for now it feels like more sadness and deep grief that seems to be becoming my new norm.

I wonder how much more i can take if this is a journey of transformation or just the shit storm that is life.

Yet i know i am strong, stronger than i look.

Deep inside i know this is probably meant to be, i just need to let it, but for someone who can overthink as an Olympic sport its a difficult balancing act.

At the far reaches of my mind there is a seed germinating, its fighting its way up into the light and I’m going to have to treat it very gently….take time to nurture it and hopefully it will grow into something beautiful from all of this pain……….

for anyone who should read this.. thank you..and for my future self rereading this once this turns into a decent blog.. you did it x