March, a magical month, where life bursts forward and energy stirs. Everyday the dawn chorus gets more powerful, started by the mighty Blackbird and joined in a cacophony until all thats left is the lowly wood pigeon coo coing on the chimney.

The month of the Spring equinox , despite a stinking sinus infection i still managed to wake up and open my windows to let it in, although there was no sun that early just a blinding thick mist and frost that glowed with magical effervescence. The actual time of the equinox wasn’t until around 2pm by which time it was shining and i sat miserable in my garden under a blanket, thinking how similar it was to last year when i was forced to sit day after day in recovery.

Where is my Spring energy? ive made it through the long dark winter, i have delved within as the seasons insisted and now when the energy begins to rise along with the sap, i find myself washed out, stuck and downright miserable.

Maybe theres too much expectation? it certainly feels that way. Maybe i’m just not ready to come out of hibernation just yet..maybe i’m a dormouse .. i wish.

When i started this blog i was full of intention but knew deep inside that it was just a matter of time before i waned. Perhaps it was just the intent came from the seasons.. that dark part of the year where we look for meaning and answers. But waned i have. Having ADHD is no fun when you know the latest hype wont stay and if perfectly honest i have to say im tired of the constant changes.

This is a more personal blog, totaly off topic.. i apologise to my 3 readers 🙂

Once i was full of life, energy, excitement and magic, but in the words of Miley Cyrus .. thats because i was young! now, when i feel my hyper excitement build on a venture or idea my intrusive thoughts can extinguish it in a matter of hours. There are so many things i want to do, but i realised today every ‘thing’ i want to do seems too revolve around a business idea, money making, getting views, getting acceptance.. not what i really want to do to bring joy. Those things seem pointless, hard and distant. How shocking is that?

Last night i sat thinking (one of my most favourite pastimes) about what i wanted to be when i grew up. I have a lasting memory of sitting by a country village Church, it was school summer holidays and i had cycled the 5 mile (yes on my own we did that back then) journey out into the countryside on an adventure and spent the day sitting in the long tutfy grass painting the church. How wonderful was that? definably a dream life i’d follow on IG. The only memory i have of what i wanted to be was a progression of that day, an artist or a wildlife nature explorer. But now as a 57 yr old that seems an impossible dream…and i don’t know why.

Don’t get me wrong i have a great life, and yes it has changed dramatically since last year but its still not a bad life. It seems, i think that my head or head demons get in the way. Where i have the time now to sit and draw again, i cant bring myself to not be the perfect artist (so i could sell my art), i have the time and the garden to sit and nature watch, immerse myself in that wonderful world, i cant bring myself to not feel lazy or weird. Maybe i should have stayed the child and not got lost in a world of pain and expectation. I know she would be very disappointed in me to know i lost the magic and while away my precious time scrolling, hoping to find an answer, watching everyone play out their dream lives while i feel inadequate and hopeless.

I feel the answer lies in my phone.. that young me wouldnt have even imagined a silly world where i had to carry a phone all the time and waste half of my life looking at it..i’d miss so much. I tried last week to have one day where i only picked up my phone for its utility reasons.. and yes it did make a difference, its just so hard to kick that addiction…but i feel i must.

Ive rambled on long enough, so the point of todays, this months, my last blog for now, is… i want/need to step away. If im doing everything in my life for views or acceptance (a whole other story why) or for a money making idea, where is the joy in just doing things I WANT TO DO? so that is my mission, and probably is what i’ve learnt from this season.. March and the Equinox, not to mention the New moon the day before all signifies new beginnings, new starts and my new start is to find joy in my life again and do things for joy or peace and just for the doing a simple thing.

so goodby for now.. ill get back to you in the Autumn with my results.